Monday, March 26, 2007
Thinking
I have been doing a lot of thinking lately, wondering if the day that I get to look into my daughter's eyes for the first time will ever come. I've been feeling so overwhelmed, this process has consumed every part of my life. I tried this weekend to pack up Maya's room, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I was torn, torn between the sadness I feel every time I walk past the room and see the empty crib and the emptiness I'd feel if I didn't have it to look at and remind me what we have to look forward to. So, I decided to just pack up the bedding. I know that people mean well when they say "it will be all worth it in the end." I know this is true but, right now all I can think is, when is it going to end. I want the ending that I have been dreaming and thinking about for what feels like forever. The moment that Tim and I get to hold our our sweet baby girl for that first time and see all the love and potential for life in her eye's.
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I apologize for the many times that I've said the, "It'll be worth it in the end". I'm guilty of those words, because I've seen the end (and it's true). But I know that in the waiting time, those words don't reassure. In fact, there is just not any word that helps. Just know that we are thinking of you guys all the time. We know so many in the adoption process, many with frustrating circumstances like you, and our hearts do go out to you guys. I wouldn't feel guilty for packing up some things. I think that is wise to help keep your heart from breaking everytime you see it. When you put it back up, it'll mean that there is something to be excited about, not disappointment. There were many weeks that I had to have the door shut to Caleb's room so that I wasn't reminded. Sorry for the long comment, just want you to know that you are in our prayers.
Love, Kristen
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